We all want to be Charming. In this chapter, we will show you 10 Secrets to be More Charming and Successful
- Be Irresistible
- Body Language can show a lot
- Valuable vocal Skills
- Empathy – The Key to being Charming
- Listening Skills
- Confidence is Attractive
- First Impressions
- Ability to Adapt
- Be Authentic
- Finding People you Relate to
If you want to know how to be irresistible to men or women, stop focusing on your physical appearance and look more toward how you act around them. Having another person like and want your company can make life sweeter.
There is no exact science to the laws of attraction. However, it’s been observed these qualities are found to be more desirable to men. But you don’t need to have all of these qualities.
However, when reading these suggestions, be self-aware and see if you maybe already have some of these attributes. You’re not that far off from being irresistible to men as you think you are.
Confidence is key. You can’t argue that. If you’re confident, you could wear a paper bag as a dress and look like a supermodel. So many women assume confidence comes with having the perfect body and flawless makeup, but it’s not that at all. It’s showing the world you value yourself and you see your own self-worth.
Confidence is key. You can’t argue that. If you’re confident, you could wear a paper bag as a dress and look like a supermodel. So many women assume confidence comes with having the perfect body and flawless makeup, but it’s not that at all. It’s showing the world you value yourself and you see your own self-worth. Did I just go a little Oprah moment there?
If you’re hiding behind a face full of makeup or you’re wearing sweatpants every day to hide your thighs, it’s time to change that. Not only are men able to read that insecurity like a book, but you’ll struggle in progressing as a person.
Body Language can show a lot
Here are 10 tips to help you keep your body language positive:
Posture. Keep a relaxed posture whether you are sitting or standing. Keep your back straight but not stiff and let those shoulders relax. This will reinforce the idea that you feel comfortable with your surroundings.
Take up space. You do not have to sprawl out but try sitting or standing with your legs apart a bit. This will signify to others that you are at ease with yourself. Learn to master your body language to show confidence with this course.
Lean. Leaning in slightly when someone is speaking demonstrates that you are actively listening while leaning away signals that you are disinterested or hostile to the situation.
Arms. Crossing your arms is the visual clue that you are turned-off by what is going on around you. Practice hanging your arms comfortably at your side or bringing your hands together in your lap to show others that you are open to what they are communicating.
Hands. Talking with your hands is an easy way to incorporate gestures into your conversation but be careful not to make it a dance party. Emphasizing words with your hands can lead you to appear more credible and assured.
Handshake. The handshake is one of the most important nonverbal communication cues because it can set the mood for the entire conversation. A firm handshake will give you instant credibility while a weak handshake will make you appear fragile. Take care not to crush the other person’s hand though. Giving someone a death grip will signal to them that you are a bully or overcompensating for something.
Eye contact. Keep your head up and look the person who you are having a conversation within the eyes both when they are talking to you and when you are talking to them. There is no need to stare them down and remember to blink and look away occasionally. Good eye contact lets others know that you are interested in the conversation.
Affirmative movements. You can show empathy with simple actions of agreement like nodding your head or smiling. These actions let people know that you are on their side and that you can identify with their plight. You can even use laughter when appropriate.
Taking notes. Taking notes lets others know that you value what they are saying and that you are engaged in the conversation. Taking notes is not appropriate though in every situation.
Slower. Take a deep breath, hold it for a second or two, and let it out. Focus on slowing down your speech and body movements a bit. This will make you appear more confident and contemplative. It will also help calm you down if you are nervous.
Being Charming – 10 Secrets Revealed
Valuable vocal Skills
Have you ever heard a voice that quickly caught your attention, or listened to someone speak who had you mesmerized by the warmth of their words? Irresistible people are often masters of vocal skills like resonance, timing, and proper use of emotion in their speech.
Resonance refers to the skill of speaking in a way that resonates through your entire body. Resonance can be achieved by standing up straight, opening your nasal passages, and trying to make each word form deep in your chest. By opening up our bodies and speaking through our chests, we can create a much richer and warmer sound with our voice. You can even try humming to understand the way it feels to have sound in your chest.
Timing in speech means using things like pauses to regroup, repeated words to emphasize, or even asking questions to increase engagement or allow for thought on a subject.
Timing of your words and speech can help you keep people engaged, attracted, interested, or even amused. In addition, demonstrating emotion in our words we can help covey any emotion that we wish to show to the person we are speaking with.
By using and showing our emotions through speech we can help draw closer to the people we interact with and form deeper connections.
Empathy – The Key to being Charming
In a busy, complex, stressful world, empathy is the glue that holds relationships together. Whether you want to connect with your colleagues, customers, or children, you need to master the art of empathetic communication.
Empathy is defined as the ability to detect other’s emotions and understand their perspective. When people feel accepted and validated, it builds trust. It’s what you need to comfort a grieving co-worker, get people on board with your ideas, or defuse tension with your boss, for example.
Humans are social beings and everyone has the capacity to develop empathy. It’s a skill, and like any skill, empathy can be cultivated through intentional effort.
As an executive coach and human-behaviour professor, I have an inside view of how the great leaders and high-performers practice empathy. Here are similarities I’ve observed in how they flex their feeling muscles.
- They are fully present with others.
Empathetic people have a way of making you feel like you’re the only one in the room. When they interact with someone, they give that person the gift of their full attention and respect, which is rare in today’s hyper-distracted world.
- They’ve mastered the art of active listening.
To truly support someone, you must first understand that person. Empathetic people take the time to understand their counterpart’s priorities, preferences, and motivations. This requires listening non-judgmentally and leaving your assumptions at the door. Empathetic people use active listening skills to gain insight, including:
Reflecting: "What I'm hearing you say is..." or "It sounds to me like..." Affirming: Smiling, nodding, or brief verbal affirmations like "I see" and "mm hmm" Encouraging: "And then?"
- They tune into nonverbal communication. -10 Secrets to be More Charming
Communication runs deeper than words alone. If you notice someone tensing up, pulling away, or suddenly dodging eye contact, those are important clues that you can use empathy to reach out.
Rather than ignoring the emotion gently — and with kindness — ask them to describe what’s happening for them. This gives people the freedom to share their feelings openly, knowing they won’t be judged or criticized. Letting emotions flow freely can be a gateway to productive problem-solving.
- They pause.
In an effort to be helpful, we often jump in to finish people’s sentences, offer advice, or interrupt. Empathetic people know how powerful silence can be. They don’t interrupt or talk over other people. They think before they speak.
- They replace giving advice with asking questions.
Instead of offering their opinion, empathetic people ask questions to better understand another person’s perspective, like:
How do you feel about it? Can you tell me more? What do you mean? What would be helpful? What do you make of it?
- They speak in terms of “we,” not “me.”
Empathetic leaders shift to talking about how they’ll tackle challenges as a team — speaking in terms of “we” and “us” — so other people feel empowered and supported.
Research shows changing your language is step toward adopting an empathic attitude. People who use more second-person pronouns are better at interpreting others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors — the essence of empathy.
When you want to genuinely connect with someone, create a bond by talking about your shared goals (i.e., “Let’s talk about what we’re going to do next to solve this,” “We’ll get through this”).
- They imagine others’ point of view.
Empathetic people practice a skill called “perspective-taking.” In other words, they step into other people’s shoes to imagine what fears they might be facing.
Do this exercise yourself by practising (internally) to assume that person’s point of view. Especially when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it’s important to assume positive intent. That is, give people the benefit of the doubt that they are coming from a respectful place, not a malicious one.
This mindset shift can do wonders for your mood and ensure you stay in an empathic state.
Even if you have moments where you’re less compassionate than you’d like, following these highly empathic habits can help you keep what’s important at the forefront: connection.
Being Charming – 10 Secrets Revealed
Improve Your Listening Skills?
Having effective listening skills means being able to display interest in the topic discussed and understand the information provided. In today’s society, the ability to communicate effectively is becoming increasingly important. Although the ability to speak effectively is a highly sought-after skill, developing effective listening skills is often not regarded in the same respect.
In fact, listening is just as important as speaking. Being a good listener helps solve problems, resolve conflicts, and improve relationships. In the workplace, effective listening contributes to fewer errors, less wasted time, and improved accuracy. Effective listening helps build friendships and careers.
Do not judge or mentally criticize what the speaker is telling you. Doing so can compromise your ability to take in what is being said. Never exhibit judgmental behaviour, as it compromises your effectiveness as a listener. You can evaluate what was said after the speaker is finished talking, but don’t do so while you are still listening to them.
Let the speaker finish what they are saying and don’t be a sentence-grabber. Interrupting the speaker or prohibiting them from finishing what they are saying can indicate disrespect to the speaker. Often, interrupting the speaker mid-sentence interrupts their train of thought and can easily destroy a productive conversation.
Confidence is Attractive
Confidence is either something you have or you don’t. Of course, there are some people who consider themselves somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, believing they are content with where they are in life and how they feel about themselves.
While these people are fine and complacent, they aren’t radiating any extra confidence.
Confidence is an asset that shines through personal relationships, your own relationship with yourself and relations in the workplace. Everyone respects a person with confidence because, with it, you are basically investing your heart and soul into something you feel passionately about.
It shows how you feel about yourself…
If you aren’t going to have confidence in yourself, why would anyone else? You can’t expect people to support you unconditionally if you do not believe in yourself wholeheartedly. If you aren’t secure in who you are as a person, how can you ever move forward in life with ease?
The honest answer is you can’t because you are nervous and self-conscious. Instead of concerning yourself with the opinions of others, you must live your life for yourself. Do things that make you happy and that interest you. If an opportunity arises that you wish to explore, don’t think, just dive right in because that is the only way you are going to learn how to strive and to succeed on your own.
It asserts power and knowledge…
If you aren’t confident in your views and convictions, how can you expect others to listen to what you have to say? If you don’t believe what you are selling, no one else will either. People aren’t fools and will know when you are faking it. They can smell bullsh*t a mile away and are definitely not afraid to call you out on it.
If you want people to listen to what you have to say, you must exude confidence and engage them in whatever it is you are trying to say.
It encourages positive thinking – 10 Secrets to be More Charming
Who wants to be around someone who is constantly negative all of the time? No one, that’s for damn sure. Confident people tend to think on the positive side because they are secure in themselves and aren’t easily thrown off track. They take what life throws at them as it comes and react accordingly.
They do not allow these obstacles to distract them from the task at hand, rather they calmly and rationally manage whatever the situation is and move on with whatever it is they are doing.
It shows leadership…
No one wants to follow the direction of a person who can’t assert him or herself because it defeats the whole purpose of having a leader: having one designated person who stands above the rest to help others.
There is no way to even trust someone’s ability to lead you if that person isn’t confident in his or her own motives. Leaders must have confidence so that the people looking up to them feel secure, motivated and driven.
It’s the best defence out there…
If someone is attacking your character and you are a confident individual, will their harsh words even leave a mark? Having self-esteem and confidence protects you from critics. This is not constructive criticism I’m talking about, rather negative individuals who appear jealous and try to bring you down. These people resort to insults because they believe that they are the quickest means to bring someone down.
But what does that really mean? It means these people lack confidence in their own lives and are trying to bring you down to their level. But you know better because, at the end of the day, it’s not what others think about you, it’s what you think about yourself.
It draws people to you…
Confidence creates an aura that draws people in. Because many people lack high self-esteems, they are intrigued by people who have high levels of confidence. They want to learn how these people live their lives with hopes of emulating their energy.
Finding a way to be confident is a beyond desirable lifestyle and one everyone should strive for. Although it can sometimes be difficult to achieve, it is definitely worth it in the long run.
First Impressions – 10 Secrets to be More Charming
Making a Great First Impression
Getting Off to a Good Start
It takes just a quick glance, maybe three seconds, for someone to evaluate you when you meet for the first time. In this short time, the other person forms an opinion about you based on your appearance, your body language, your demeanour, your mannerisms, and how you are dressed.
With every new encounter, you are evaluated and yet another person’s impression of you is formed. These first impressions can be nearly impossible to reverse or undo, and they often set the tone for the relationship that follows.
Be on Time
Someone you are meeting for the first time will not be interested in your “good excuse” for running late. Plan to arrive a few minutes early, and allow flexibility for possible delays in traffic or taking a wrong turn. Arriving early is much better than arriving late, and is the first step toward creating a great first impression. Present Yourself Appropriately.
Of course, physical appearance matters. The person you are meeting for the first time doesn’t know you, so your appearance is usually the first clue he or she has to go on.
But, don’t worry! This doesn’t mean that you need to look like a model to create a strong and positive first impression. (Unless you are interviewing with your local model agency, of course!)
Ability to Adapt
Being willing and able to adapt your behaviour increases your ability to communicate and build relationships with other people. The concept of adaptability, as developed by Dr Michael O’Connor, my co-author of The Platinum Rule (Warner Books, August 1996), is a two-part process. It combines flexibility with versatility. Flexibility is your willingness to adapt. It’s your attitude.
Related: Why Your Attitude Is Everything
Versatility is your ability to adapt. It’s your aptitude. People with adaptability are both flexible and versatile. Of course, our level of adaptability can be stronger in some situations than others. For example, we tend to be more adaptable at work with people we know less, and less adaptable at home with people we know better. In addition, research shows that people view themselves as more flexible and versatile than they actually are. That’s because we all aspire to those behaviours, and we judge ourselves on how we intend to act as well as on how we do act. But unfortunately, our actions don’t always match our intentions. Another reason for the gap between our ideal versus our actual level of adaptability is that it’s not easy. That’s why it’s also important to know the 10 characteristics that undermine your ability to adapt—the negative traits that undermine your adaptability. Let’s look now at the 10 positive characteristics for adaptability. We’ll start with flexibility.
The first half of the high-adaptability formula: Flexibility
High flexibility is characterized by these five attributes: confidence, tolerance, empathy, positiveness and respect for others. The first attribute, confidence, means that you believe in yourself; you trust your own judgement and resourcefulness.
The second high flexibility attribute is tolerance. That means you’re open to accepting opinions and practices different from your own. We can easily think of people who are intolerant of others because of religious or political beliefs. Those intolerant folks may attract like-minded people, but they don’t gain the attention of a diverse audience.
Third, is empathy. The root of the word empathy is pathos, which means “feeling” in Greek. Empathy is a term for deep feeling. It means, “I feel what you feel. I can put myself in your shoes.” Another word with the same root, sympathy, means merely acknowledging someone else’s feelings. It results in kindness and pity, and it comes from the head. Empathy results in feeling the pain, or the joy, of the other person. It comes from the heart.
The fourth high-flexibility attribute is positiveness. The late Dr Norman Vincent Peale’s book The Power of Positive Thinking has sold well for more than 40 years because it contains such a universal truth. A positive attitude leads to positive events in your life.
And the fifth high-flexibility characteristic is respect for others. This is the sincere desire to understand and consider other people’s choices, commitments and needs in relation to yours.
The other side of the adaptability coin: The negative traits that undermine your adaptability. If you recognize any of these in yourself, try to improve your adaptability by eliminating this negative tendency from your behaviour.
Being Charming – 10 Secrets Revealed
Being your authentic self can feel risky now in our screen-obsessed world. We’re just trying to fit in, be liked, and be accepted by other human beings. And as a result, the image we present (on our social media profiles and IRL) have become mere presentations of who we think we should be and not reflections of who we really are. So how do we take off the mask we’ve been wearing and start to live a life of authenticity?
How To Develop Authenticity
Being authentic means that you act in ways that show your true self and how you feel. Rather than showing people only a particular side of yourself, you express your whole self genuinely. That means to succeed in being authentic, you first have to know who your true self actually is. And this requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-acceptance.
Why Authenticity Matters -10 Secrets to be More Charming
But by being someone you are not, you are telling yourself that who you really are isn’t okay. So hiding or suppressing who you really are can end up leaving you feeling lonely, disconnected from others, or even worthless. (check out this well-being quiz to get a sense for how these things may be affecting you.)
How We Lost Our Authenticity
We are constantly balancing inner and outer aspects of ourselves in order to better fit in, to become more successful, or to find love. We are driven to find “our place” in society, and we want to be respected for who we truly are and what we have to contribute. Many of us are propelled even further, desiring to know and live our purpose, to find deeper meaning in our lives, and to feel the fulfilment that comes with becoming a more authentic person.
But at the same time, we live in a society that values superficiality, that strives for perfection, and defines success as by the dollars in our bank account and not by how well we live our values every day. So how are we to be authentic in spite of the messages that try to convince us to be someone else?
Why Overcoming Inauthenticity Is So Hard
We were moulded as children by our parents, teachers, religions, peers, and society to “fit in”. As a result, we developed beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that keep us acting in the ways we were taught to act—not in the ways that make us feel like our authentic selves.
This version of ourselves can be thought of as the “Adaptive Self”—the self that prioritizes fitting in, getting along, and generally doing what we’re told. This self is not without value and purpose—it helps us be functioning members of society. But if you’re feeling inauthentic, the Adaptive Self is running your life.
Being Charming – 10 Secrets Revealed
Finding People you Relate to – 10 Secrets to be More Charming
Here’s how to find friends who are more like you – people with similar interests and mindsets that you can connect with.
I grew up in a small town, as an introvert, which made it hard for me to find like-minded.
In this guide, I show what methods actually work to find people like you and turn them into friends. (I’ve tried all these methods myself.)
This guide works no matter your current social situation or the size of the city you live in.
Use these methods to figure out if someone’s like-minded
I’ve learned that you can meet like-minded friends in the most unexpected places. But I missed out on many chances because I didn’t make an effort to get to know people.
My problem was that I wrote them off too quickly.
For example, there was one guy in my high-school that I never talked to.
We saw each other every day for 3 years. When we finally started talking and figured out that we liked each other, we became best friends.
Go to meetup groups related to your interests
Going to meetups is a tip that I hear over and over, but it’s not as easy as people say.
The problem is that you if you go to a Meetup event, (Meetup.com or Eventbrite.com, for example) you’re most likely to meet a bunch of people one time. Plus, you have to mingle witch is usually super stiff.
It’s awkward to start keeping in touch after one interaction unless you REALLY hit it off.
To have the chance to get to know people, you want to meet them on a regular basis (at least weekly, in my experience).
There are recurring events on Meetup. Focus on those. There, you have the chance to meet people again and again, and you have a good shot at getting to know them.
- Bars, big parties and clubs aren’t good places to make friends
To get to know someone, you need to meet up several times and have many in-depth conversations, as I talked about in the previous step.
At bars, big parties, and clubs, most people aren’t in tune for in-depth conversations. It doesn’t mean that they are shallow. Just that they’re not in that mood at that point.
The exception is smaller house-parties. They are usually not as loud, and it’s easier to get to know someone over a beer on the couch. If you get invited to a small party by a friend you have things in common with, it’s likely that you’ll meet other like-minded people there.
People who share your interests are more likely to be like you in other ways.
Going to general places, like “new in town-groups” you’ll probably have a lower success rate than specific interest-groups. You might still find like-minded people there, but you’re MORE likely to find like-minded people in groups for specific interests.
Look for people who are interested in the same things you are. These people are also more likely to be like you personality-wise.
Find social events and communities
When I was younger, I went to a large week-long computer festival every year. There were many other like-minded there.
I know today that I could have made lots of friends there if I’d had the social skills needed back then.
This ties back to the point I made by the start of this guide:
To find like-minded, the key is to learn how to make small talk and then transition to personal conversation. I linked to two guides about that in step 1 of this guide.
My friend, on the other hand, was more socially skilled at that time. He met many new friends at that computer festival and whenever he went. Why? Because he knew how to small talk and transition that into personal conversation.
Find social events and communities (related to your interests) where people do things together.
Here’s a list for your inspiration:
Arts Chess Collecting stuff Computer programming Cooking Cosplaying Cycling Dancing Drawing Entrepreneurship Fishing Geocaching Golfing Hiking Hunting Kayaking Knitting Making movies Martial Arts Model aircraft/railroads etc Motorsports Mountain biking Playing instruments Painting Parkour Philosophy Photography Poker RC racing Reading Climbing Running Singing Social issues Weightlifting Writing
- Seek out people at work or school who you think you might have things in common with.
If you already meet people regularly, like at work or school, the easiest path is to get to know them better. It might turn out you have things in common with them.
Earlier, I told you about the guy at my high-school that I’d seen every day for 3 years before we actually started talking and turned into best friends.
Make a conscious effort to talk more to people you meet on a regular basis, and figure out if you have things in common using the methods in step 1.
Here are some thoughts on small talk that I wished I’d learned earlier in life:
- Small talk does have a purpose and is the key to making friends with like-minded
I mentioned this shortly in step 1 but decided to make this into a step of its own, too, as it’s so important.
I always disliked small talk because it seemed to have no purpose. Only shallow people seemed to make small talk.
In reality, we need to make small talk to “warm up” before we can start making interesting conversation.
It’s not really about the words we use or what we talk about. It’s about signalling that we’re friendly and open for interaction. When you say “How was your weekend?”, what you’re really saying is “I’m friendly and up for talking with you”.
On the other hand, if you make it a habit to talk to new people only when you have to (as I did, the first half of my life) you make people think “This person doesn’t seem to like me because they never talk to me”.
Now that I understood that small talk is the bridge to getting to know people and figure out of they’re like-minded, I enjoy small talk so much more.
Here’s my guide on how to make small talk to start a conversation.
- Join an online community related to your interest
When I was younger, I was interested in exercise and weight lifting so I spent a lot of time on a weight training forum. I made several online friends there, and some, I met in real life. That was 15 years ago, and today, online forums are several times more powerful with larger, more niche communities and more opportunities.
Reddit is powerful as it has uncountable sub-reddits for very specific interests. Then there are countless forums. On top of that, you have all the Facebook communities. Search for anything related to your interests, and be active in that community by posting and commenting.
After a few weeks, people start recognizing your name. Just like seeing someone’s face again and again in real life, they feel like they know you when they see your nickname over and over.
That’s how you become part of the community, and you don’t need awkward IRL-small talks.
The upside to this method is that you can make friends even if you feel uncomfortable meeting strangers at live meetups.
The downside is that most of these friendships will stay online. (Sometimes, there are opportunities to meet up live, too, like I did with that training forum.)
Here’s our guide on how to make friends online.
- Use an app like Bumble BFF (This works better than I thought it would)
I got recommended to try Bumble BFF by a friend who said she’d met super interesting people there. I had a hard time taking the app seriously at first, mainly because the name is so silly.
I was surprised by how interesting people you can find on there! Today, I have two good friends from that app that I hang out with on a regular basis.
A heads up is that I live in NYC. This app might be less effective in smaller cities. (In the next step, I talk about how to make friends in smaller cities)
Here are my tips for being successful on Bumble BFF:
On your profile, write down what your interests are. That way, others can know if you’re compatible. It’s not a dating app! Skip the photos where you try to look attractive or cool. Pick a photo where you look friendly. Also, sassy short texts on your profile that works on Tinder doesn’t work here. Be picky. I ONLY like profiles where people write about themselves and I can see that we have things in common.
- Start a group related to your interest
When I lived in a small city, it was harder to find like-minded than here in NYC.
As an example, I love to have deep conversations and when I had just moved to that smaller city, I was starved on deep conversations.
I looked for philosophy groups but couldn’t find any. I decided to start my own group.
I told people I thought might be interested even if I’d just met them once, and invited them to meet up every Wednesday at 7 PM.
I asked them to invite their friends, and the group grew. We met for 6 months or something like that. It’s actually through that group that I met Viktor Sander, who turned into one of my best friends who now also works as SocialPro’s in-house behavioral scientist. Pretty cool!
I joined a friend to another meetup specifically for people with online businesses. That group was also weekly, and 3 of my best friends are from that group!
The founder of that group had a really clever way to find people:
He promoted his group on Facebook specifically for people who liked other online business pages in that city. (You can target crazy-specific stuff on Facebook, like only women aged 23-24 who live in the western parts of Kentucky who like Chihuahuas but not Bulldogs.)
Because it was so targeted, he only spent 20-30 dollars, and several people showed up.
Here’s a detailed guide on how to create a group and market on Facebook.
- Be involved in a project
When I was younger, one of my interests was making movies. I and some friends from school used to meet up and work on different film projects. My friends, in turn, involved other friends, and I got to know a lot of people through these projects.
What’s a project you can be involved in?
You don’t necessarily have to start the project. You can join something ongoing related to what your interests are. Here are some thoughts on how to find those projects:
Facebook groups that cover your interests (Search for things like “Photography”, “DIY Makers”, “Cooking”) Extracurricular activities at school Interest groups at work Regularly check physical bulletin boards and Facebook groups you’re already in, like those for your work or class or neighborhood.
- Meet a lot of people to not miss out on finding like-minded
The truth is that you can find like-minded literally everywhere as long as you make it a habit to get to know people on a more personal level, using the methods in step 1.
For example (this is a crazy story) I made small talk with a cashier at Trader Joes last week (a grocery store) and it turns out we have loads of things in common. We’re both interested in technology, futurology, biohacking, and AI. This weekend, we’re going to meet up with some of my friends who are also interested in those things.
The point is that every person you come across is an opportunity to make friends with. Even if you’re more likely to find like-minded at events related to specific interests, you might still meet a soul-sister or soul-brother anywhere.
Therefore, make sure to meet a lot of people. I’ve made a guide here about how to socialize at an event even if you find it boring.
- Say yes 2 out of 3 times
In the previous step, I talked about how it’s important to meet a lot of people. Personally, my knee-jerk reaction was to say no to invites, because I like to spend lots of time by myself. To overcome that, I tried saying yes to all invites, but that was impractical.
A good rule that a friend taught me is to say yes to 2 out of 3 invites. That means that you can say no to when it really doesn’t work for you, but you still say yes to the majority of invites.
The risk with saying no to too many invites is that people soon stop inviting you. Not because they don’t like you, but because it doesn’t feel good to be turned down.
- When you find someone you like, dare to follow-up with that person
I used to be really bad at keeping in touch with friends, because a) I didn’t know what to keep in touch about and b) I was afraid that they wouldn’t respond (Fear of rejection).
If you feel like you had a good connection with someone, make sure to take their number.
What I mean by good connection:
The conversation flows effortlessly Both laugh sincerely You don’t just make small talk but talk about something both are passionate about.
If you don’t feel this connection, that’s no big issue. I didn’t do that very often before I consciously started practicing conversation skills. Again, I have some links in step 1 of this guide for that.
Whenever you meet someone you connect with and have something in common with, use that commonality as an “excuse” to keep in touch with them.
“Really fun to talk to someone who’s also read Foucault. Let’s keep in touch and maybe meet up and talk philosophy some day! Do you have a number?”
And then, you can text a few days later. “Hi, David here. Was nice talking with you. Want to meet up this weekend and talk more philosophy?”
I took a big step in my personal development when I overcame the fear of rejection. Yes, sure, there’s always a risk someone might not respond. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t at least try (If you don’t you might miss out on making a new friend.)
- How to find like-minded people, in summary
Finding like-minded friends has 6 parts to it:
Attitude: Make a sincere effort to get to know people before you assume you don’t have anything in common. Skill: Practice your conversation skills so you get to know people on a deeper level and can create chemistry. Exposure: You need to meet lots of people to find people you click with. Recurrence: You want to meet people at least every week so you can develop a friendship with them. Mutual interests: You can improve your chances by going to places where people share your interests. Follow-up: Dare to keep in touch with people you’ve met. Use your mutual interest as the “reason” for meeting up.
Being Charming – 10 Secrets Revealed